Make Straight Paths

This past Sunday night, our pastor preached a sermon on the power of the Holy Spirit.  In that message, he said something that gripped me in such a way that I don't think I'll ever forget it.  It was along the lines of, "The hardest decisions we make aren't a matter of right versus wrong.  They are left versus right.  You stand at the crossroads and both options are desirable.  How do you know which way to go?  Which is the better way?"  He continued, "There is a way that is more desirable to the Holy Spirit.  Sometimes patiently waiting for that answer is the hardest part.  But, the Holy Spirit will give you an answer if you seek Him."

We stood at those very crossroads one month ago.  And, I wouldn't say they were some countryside, light traffic type of crossroads either.  Whichever road we decided to go down, we knew we were going to desperately NEED the Lord to go before us because it would be some treacherous territory.  So, we did what we always do...we analyzed, listed out the pros and cons, flipped the coin and did the same for the other side.  We talked about the "what ifs" and the "if nots".  We talked and talked, mulled it over and talked some more.  We'd imagined ourselves going down one road and then we'd slam on the brakes because fear would jump into the backseat.  I knew that with our decision making abilities, or lack of, we'd be here til kingdom come with little progress.  This was getting nowhere and it was obviously time to give it over to the Lord.

As I prayed, I asked the Lord to tell us in His Word what we should do.  I had never done this before.  Because the weight of the decision was so heavy and would affect my child in a tremendous way, I wanted to see His answer in black and white so there would be no doubt.  I prayed, "Lord, please give us a verse in Scripture that reveals what Your will is.  Help me not to lean on my own understanding.  And, help me to be obedient to whatever You say."

That entire scene played out on August 31.  The prayer was said through tears, in the darkness of night while driving down the interstate.  We had spent the day with my oldest son at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital.  We had walked in hoping that the physician would do his little examination, tell us what we should do and  then throw the ball into our court so we could make the final decision.  However, there was a slight problem...there was no ball.  The doctor's opinion, advice or direction was never offered.  There was only, "I would LOVE to do surgery on Jacob, BUT I'm not saying you SHOULD do surgery."  Over and over, he'd say this line.  The only thing we were able to pull out of this man, when hard pressed after our asking three times, was, "No, I would not do this surgery on my own child.  It is just too invasive and I know how much pain he'd go through."  Then, he was quite honest in adding, "Normally, once I tell parents that this surgery is the only option to cure this problem, they hit the door."  He waited for our reaction and we just sat there; the door didn't move an inch.

I explained to him that we did our homework leading up to that day, we knew he was going to tell us this, the shock had run it's course and we were wanting to know more information.  So, he settled in and took our questions.  There was not a whole lot of information to give because, again, he honestly said, "I do this particular surgery on a normal (meaning non-cerbal palsy) child ONCE every over year."  Whoooaaa.  See what I mean...treacherous territory here.  The Lord must have filled that room up with His power and kept our minds calm because the doctor's track record of keeping parents in that seat and not already out the door was one set of parents every other year.  And, we were now the second.

Hoping he'd relent and take the bait, we fished around that tiny little room, probing for his advice, hoping for a nibble but got nothing.  As frustrating as it was at the time that the doctor didn't point us in either the left nor the right direction, I'm am now ever so thankful for his neutrality.  I know myself well enough that I would've allowed his decision to heavily influence mine.  Instead, it turned from Jason and I desperately seeking the doctor's direction to Jason and I desperately seeking the Lord's direction. 

I prayed fully believing that He would reveal that specific yes or no answer through Scripture.  I have to admit that I did tell myself, "It's not going to say, 'Jacob shall have thou hip surgery' in the Bible, but something along those lines will be good enough."  HA!!  I don't think the words "God" and "good enough" should ever be in the same thought.  How could God, who is perfect in every way, ever be linked with just "good enough"?  But, here I sit, guilty of believing His divine Word for us could not possibly give us a specific answer but it could give us a "good enough" answer.  I'm sure the Lord was thinking, "Dear child, you still have so much to learn about Me."

Jacob's surgery would be to correct an intoeing problem.  The medical term is femoral anteversion.  Once babies start walking, their feet rotate slightly inward.  This should correct itself by the age of 2.  However, this doesn't self correct in approx. 10% of children.  In those children, the intoeing should self correct by the age of 8 when children establish their adult walking pattern.  There is a teeny, tiny 1% of those children this doesn't happen in and Jacob is among them.  We thought it would just have to be something that he lives with and had resigned our thoughts to such.  However, this summer we noticed he was starting to fall a lot.  We thought maybe he was clumsy or not paying attention.  We'd scold him and tell him to be more careful.  Then, the falls started getting worse.  The black and purple bruises, falling down steps kind of bad.  The researcher in me started doing my homework to see how we could "fix" this problem.  Maybe some physical therapy, maybe some heavier shoes, maybe a little karate to help with his coordination...  With what little information is available on the internet, I learned that my small efforts would do absolutely nothing to correct this problem.  If the degree of the rotation is greater than 50 degrees, then surgery is the only solution.  Jacob is 70+ degrees.

The problem lie in the hips, not the feet.  The only solution would be a complete bilateral (meaning both) hip surgery.  The surgeon would have to completely cut through the femur bones, derotate them and reattach with plates and screws.  Now do you see why parents hit the door?  Do you see why we had to let this thought settle for several months before we could even sit and have a nice little chat with the doctor about it?  Had some bruises not been so big and so purple and so fresh on his little body while we were there, we might have bolted.  But, we knew that if we decided to be reactive further down the road and not proactive now, we could have a little boy who could get injured more seriously from a broken arm or a concussion or who carried emotional scars from the inevitable teasing that will come his way.  Also, once puberty sets in, this problem gets much worse.  The knees and ankles aren't designed to overcompensate for the work that the feet can't do.  Shooting pains start to set in and then joint problems.

The point of this story is not to medically enlighten people on femoral anteversion.  But, because we have elected to have our child endure this major surgery, we have gotten many questions regarding why.  The why is because we aren't just parenting Jacob for today.  If we were, we would never, ever think about this surgery.  The pain he will feel and the torture of helplessly watching him endure it will be more unbearable than I can ever imagine.  Jason and I both want to turn and run away in complete fear when we think about it.  We have gotten to know "the look" that washes across the other's face when we start to second guess ourselves.  We can see doubt in the other's eyes.  Without words, we know the thoughts that are being processed and the tentacles of fear that are gripping.   In those moments, we confidently remind one another:

"Make straight paths for your feet so that if any part is lame,

it will be healed rather than injured more seriously." 

Hebrews 12:13

We asked. 

We waited. 

And then we received. 

There IS a way that is more desirable to the Holy Spirit.  Make straight paths.  Give Jacob the confidence and the courage as a grown man to boldly profess the Gospel down all the treacherous roads he will travel.  He loves the Lord with all his heart.  He knows more about what the Bible says at age 8 then I did at 28.  Through His Word, written in black and white, the Lord has directed us to make straight paths for his little feet so that one day, those big feet will not stumble.

Unshakeable.

Undeniable.

Proof.

That God can and will speak specifically through His Word.  Ask and then wait to receive.  There was no neon sign, no audible voice, no revelation in a dream.  The answer came simply from picking up my Bible.  Not the left path nor the right path.  It is the straight path; the path that leads to promised healing.

(We are also on a second medical journey, one that is very different than the first but just as difficult, that I hope to share with you soon)

Unscripted

One day while playing kitchen, I started to wonder if Eli knows his last name so I ask him:

Mommy:  "What's your name?
Eli:  "E-I"
Mommy:  "Can you say, Eli Smith?"
Eli:  "E-I Smiff"
Mommy:  "What's baby's name?"
Eli:  "Micah"
Mommy:  "That's right.  Her name is Micah Smith"
Eli:  "Micah Smiff"
Mommy:  "What's mommy's name?"
Eli:  "Princess"

Who Built the Ark?

Mommy:  "Eli, can you tell me who built the ark?"

Eli:  "PAPA!"

Mommy:  "No, not papa although he builds lots of things.  Tell me who built the ark."

Eli:  "YODA!"

Mommy:  (not quite sure what to say)  "Umm, not Yoda, silly.  Who built the ark with the animals?"

Eli:  "NOAH!"

I guess 3 times is a charm

Mother's Day 2011

SUPER Loved

Although Jason and I had read The 5 Love Languages many years ago, we hadn't read the sequel to it, The 5 Love Languages of Children, until recently.  Knowing my children oh-so-well, I would've bet money that I knew exactly how each one needed loved expressed to them.  So, I was surprised that my maternal instincts steered me wrong and I scored a big fat ZERO on correctly identifying Jacob's love language. 

To uncover your child's love language, the book suggests you give the child a list of options and ask them to choose which they would prefer.  My analytical brain wanted to make it so complicated when the solution was actually quite simple.  So, as I'm talking with Jacob, I say...

Me: "Jacob, if you could have any of these things from me, which one would you pick?"

Me: "A: Sitting down and playing a game with you?"  (Quality Time)

Me: "B: Cleaning your room and picking up all your Legos on the floor?"  (Acts of Service)

Me: "C: Surprising you with a small gift?"  (Gift Giving)

Me: "D: Cuddling with you before you go to sleep?"  (Physical Touch)

Me: "E: Telling you how great I think you are?"  (Words of Encouragement)

Jacob: "Oh, that's easy...snuggle time!!!"

(The 8 year old boy inside couldn't resist adding...)

Jacob: "Oh, and I'd kinda like a small gift, too....haha!!"

Here, I thought for many years that the way to his heart was with words of encouragement, when, much to my surprise after just a single minute of conversation, I discovered that it's actually physical touch.  Who knew??

So, we've been snuggling quite a bit these past few weeks.  I've even fallen asleep a couple of times with him wrapped inside my arms.  With 2 little munchkins, it has been so easy to shower them with physical touch because they always seem to be hanging off of me.  And, to be completely truthful, who can resist hugging, kissing and squeezing a little baby?  But, stopping and deliberately choosing to lavish that loving touch on my 8 year old, allowing him a moment to soak up the security and love that comes from my touch, has in return blessed me more than I would've thought.  Because, in that moment, I know that I am giving him exactly what he needs most...something that no words can convey.  Love, acceptance and purpose flow from my touch straight to his heart.  It creates a heart-wide-open moment when everything is right in his world.  Just this morning, I called him to my room:

Me: "Do you want to snuggle?"

Jacob: "Oh, I've been waiting for you to ask me!"

As we are half buried under the covers, I say,

Me: "Do you feel loved right now?"

Jacob: "Yes, SUPER loved."

My Sweet E-I

Because Jacob was significantly speech delayed as a toddler, I'm not used to having a conversation with a child under the age of 4.  So, it blew my mind and tickled me to death to hear Eli (not yet 3) talking to me about his day after he returned from riding with his daddy to visit his grandfather ("Pops") in the hospital today.

Our conversation went something like this:

Me: "Did you have a good time today, Eli?"
Eli: "Go see Pops.  Pops at doctors."
Me:  "Really??  What else did you do?"
Eli:  "Throw rocks.  I pet dogs."
Me:  "What did you eat?"
Eli:  "I eat Chinese.  Man cook E-I's food.  Man cook E-I's noodles.  E-I eat cookie."  (Jason explained that they watched the cook prepare their food).

I will pause to point out 3 distinct characteristics of Eli's speech....he talks about himself in third person A LOT.  He says, "E-I (for Eli) do this," or "E-I don't like time-out...."  We call it Eli's Elmo talk.  Another thing, he adds an "s" onto the end of nearly EVERY word.  Everything is plural for some odd reason.  Last, he has the sweetest raspy or somewhat hoarse voice.  Whatever it is, it is 100% Eli and I can never get enough of hearing it.

Here's the rest of our conversation:

Me:  "Daddy said you were a good boy.  I'm so proud of you."
Eli:  "Grandma like E-I's Titans jersey.  Jacob Titans jersey, too." (They both wore Titans jerseys)
Me:  "What was your favorite thing you did today?"
Eli:  "I push Pops."
Me:  Thinking that maybe he wrestled with Pops, I turned to Jason and said, "Did he really push  Pops?"
Jason:  "Yeah, he pushed him in his wheelchair."

{Insert mommy's heart melting}

My sweet, sweet E-I...so many things you could've named as your favorite on this big day you shared with just the boys...your first taste of Chinese food, dressing like your brother (which THRILLS you), throwing rocks in a parking lot (which THRILLS any boy) or petting dogs.  But, you said it was pushing your Pops in his wheelchair.  What a reflection of your sweet little heart.  I'm sure seeing you and the sunshine that you brought into the room was Pops' favorite thing today, too.

I Could Not Imagine

March 9, 2011 was one of those milestone days that only a momma would know.  On that day, Micah turned 16 months, 10 days old.  Though that particular age isn't one that would normally cause a mom to make note of, this momma did.  See, Eli was that exact same age the day we welcomed his baby sister into the world.  His position as the baby of the family abruptly ended on that day and he instantly became "the middle child".  Poor boy!

Looking at Micah on this day, at this age, I could not imagine dethroning her as the baby.  In fact, I think that it would almost be criminal.  Maybe it's because she's a girl...I don't know.   I've just seen the way that my usually calm, sweet, doesn't-get-upset-easily girl has reacted in the past couple of weeks when she sees her momma loving on anything smaller than her and, boy, she DOES NOT like it!  I first noticed this when my parents 3 pound dog jumped onto my lap and I scooped him up into my arms.  I suddenly heard her cry and looked down to see a very distraught, agonized look on her face as she was reaching up to me.  It took a second for the pings to register in my brain before I realized that she was JEALOUS of her mommy loving on a tiny little furball.  The next week brought another marked moment of pure agony as she watched me hold my newborn nephew.  Not even the lure of a french fry would calm her down.  The refusal of a french fry told me that this girl was serious because she has never met a fry that she didn't want.  And, finally, I knew for an absolute fact that I have a jealous girl on my hands when she crawled over and jerked her beloved baby doll out of my arms while I was pretending to love on it.  Over and over, I tested the poor girl and not once could she sit back and relax while mommy cradled a plastic doll.  Yep, I think we'd be in BIG trouble if the birth order had been reversed and she was #2 instead of #3.

Seeing her reactions has actually helped me better understand what was probably going on inside Eli's little mind when baby sister came home.  I've said many times this past year that he jumped straight into the terrible two's the week I came home from the hospital.  Now I get it.  While Micah doesn't like for me to divide my affection (her love language), Eli doesn't like me dividing my attention (his love language).  However, when it comes to one another, they would share mommy all day long.  Maybe it's because they know they have no other choice.  But, I like to think it's because they simply love one another that much.

I have been doubly blessed these past 16 months, 10 days.  My cup is full and so is my heart.  And, baby #4?  Not any time soon!!

Eli at 16 months, 9 days old

His last day of being the baby